Magnum P.I...don't make me laugh

Dear Tom;
Mr. Brawny hides from no one, much less a third rate moustache like yourself. As I’m sure you already know, over the years I’ve built a paper towel empire based on one very simple concept…and that is: NO ONE MESSES WITH MR.BRAWNY, EVER. While it’s not the catchiest of slogans, it served me well in 1974 when I first began selling disposable paper towels, and it serves me well to this day. It is most unfortunate that you never took this statement to heart. Since 1980 you’ve been nothing but a stain on my counter, a spill on my hardwood floors. I’ve worked hard to get to where I am today, earning every single hair on my trademarked moustache. That’s right, trademarked Mr. Selleck, trademarked a full six years before Magnum P.I hit the air. You can whine and moan all you want, but no amount of letter writing can overcome the simple fact that my moustache is hardier, cleaner, and a lot more recognizable than that wispy little feather duster you call facial hair. You should stop wasting my time Tom and take a real good look in the mirror… I’m just like your career…I’m not going anywhere.

Sincerely;
Mr. Brawny

PS: Mr. Clean? He’s got pretty boy muscles, gets in shape to go raving but couldn’t swing a sack of doorknobs to save his life……pretty interesting choice of legal counsel, Sally.